Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So. Much. Porn.
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