i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
