I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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