he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
