i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
