I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
