On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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