I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
