i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
