I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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