I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
