I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
