Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
