I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
