The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
