The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
