Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
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terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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