either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
