I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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