yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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