Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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