I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Semen is not good for contacts.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
