Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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