i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
