What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
