Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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