Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He shit in the fireplace
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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