I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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