You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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