She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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