A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
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Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
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