If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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