I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
