Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
