How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
