I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
