i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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