I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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