just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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