Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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