I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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