I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
