How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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