i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
