i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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