I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
