dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.