I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My life is pants optional.