So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
