foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
