Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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