I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
