dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
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Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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