Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
