Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
